Today.....

I'm pretty happy right now.
I just found out that at a camp I'm going to for 2 weeks at the end of the summer,
I'm the only girl thats going to be there.

Now, MOST girls would be like "....awkward....." but now me :)
ME, I'm like "PERFECT. OPPORTUNITY. :D"

Why is this the perfect opportunity, you may ask?

Well, because I do not have the best social skills at all....
And I'm even worse at making friends with guys.
I have one friend thats a guy, and we aren't that close anymore (the one that is dating one of my friends....that I used to like)

Soooooo I'm thinking that going to this camp, I HAVE to socialize with these boys...for 2 weeks.
And become friends with them.
Which, in turn, will help me become friends with more guys next year, when I start over.

Also, I hardly have ANY free time this summer, cause I'm going to like, 10 million camp things, without anyone I know all summer, except one person.

So,  I would have said that over-all it's been a pretty good day......

(just an FYI, this took about 4 hours to type because I kept getting distracted, so thats why the mood change)

But I just got in a fight with my mom.

Grrrrrrrrr....................


There are these days, where I always just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, or cry.
I think these are one of them.
I'm pretty sure that I'm taking a shower tonight, AFTER I write everything on my body, to wash it off.
I also feel bad for one of my friends, cause I'm texting her, but I'm being a total bore because I'm angry and so I'm giving short responses.....It's not her fault. I'm sorry M.

Anyway....In all reality, I hate who I am.
I am mean.
I am a hypocrite.
I scream.
I yell.
I hate.
I ignore.
I do all these wrong things,

And all the while I'm thinking to myself
"Why....Why am I doing this? I hate being like this. I hate yelling and fighting with my mom. I hate it so much. But it's like I can't even stop myself, I just hope I can change. I feel like I won't be taken seriously if I let anyone see a soft side of me. Why can't I just stop? Why can't I be polite? Why can't I love my mom like a normal teenager? I mean...I know I do....But if I show weakness, than she won't take me seriously."

I hate who I've become. I don't know why I act this way.

Probably my biggest hope for starting new, for doing all these camps and coming back from these overnight camps, is that I can come home a better daughter. I'm awful. I'm beyond a handful, I'm a whole bucketful.

I'm sorry mom.
I do love you.
I just don't know how to tell you.

~There is ALWAYS a SHINNING SUN behind every BROKEN CLOUD <3