Warped Tour, don't be so stupid

GOD. DANGIT.

I'm pissed at the Warped Tour people :/ O.o

I REALLY wanted to go, cause FTSK is going to be there, and I looked at the date that its coming to where I live, and I have to leave THAT DAY for some stupid camp :/ UGHADLSKJFASLDKFJASD WHY CAN'T THEY HAVE MADE IT THE DAY BEFORE? </3

Day 22!

Day 22: A time you felt like ending your own life:


uhh...

Can I not answer this? O.o

lajsdflkajsd AWKWARD

So...yesterday was like, the awkwardest day EVER.

I don't know if I've talked about this yet, the cute boy in my COA class that the one time I talked to him he rejected me?

yeah, so COA ended last weekend, and I was like "cool, I'm not gonna see this kid till next year when he'll be the one person I'll know at my new school"

That didn't happen. I saw him again. Yesterday.

I was at the movie theater to see Pirate of the Carribian with my friend Clare (gneric enough name that I'm comfortable saying it) and we were standing there waiting for my mom and her boyfriend, and a group of cute guys our age walks by. Clare says "theres so many cute guys here!!!" and I go "yeah! we should ask one of them to be our date ;D"

Then I looked to my right, at the group of cute guys that had walked by. I saw a kid in a green sweatshirt with 2 friends. I thought to myself "how come I feel like I recognize that sweatshirt...." then the kid in the sweatshirt turned a little bit, and I saw his face.

I turned quickly, red-faced, and almost yelled to clare "Oh my god thats _______!"

Clare turns to me and goes "well...he was staring at you...."
I was so embarrassed, and trying to act normal but failing at it.
Clare goes "Watch him be in the same movie as us..."
Then we walked into the theater, found our theater.
We were walking in, up the ramp, as he walked down it. Rudely I said "oh come on!" because I was surprised and kinda pissed.
He was in the same movie as us.
So, after we got all our stuff and such, I was talking to Clare and saying "I feel like I'm about to cry...and I don't even know why..." just kind of out of embarrassment and awkwardness.
THATS when I realized we happened to sit in the row behind him and his friends. They were a few seats to our left and in the row in front, I almost screamed cause I was like "oh my god I hope he didn't hear me..."

What makes it even more awkward is alot of things. I always saw him Sundays at 6:30. I saw him Sunday at 6. I ALWAYS wore basketball shorts to COA, that was like, my thing. I decided to wear basketball shorts yesterday. Just even the fact that he lives half an hour away and that we ended up at the same theater is purely awkward. There was, as cheesy as this will sound, a comercial for a movie where it said "they had no idea how much their life paths would intersect over the years", I turned to Clare and said "like he has no idea that I'm going to his school next year...." and there was alot of other things that i can't even remember.... *facepalm*


AHHHHHKKKK! Life enjoys attacking me with THE MOST awkward moments ever...

Day 21!

Day 21: The biggest risk you've taken:


Err... I don't really take risks.... O.o

Day 20!

Day 20: Talk about where you went to high school:


No thanks

Day 19!

Day 19: a picture of yourself and someone you don't actually like:


hmmmm...


I don't take pictures with people I don't like :)

"How was the concert?"

My friend asked me how the concert was. Well, more specifically, if I had fun. I'm too lazy to re-type my response, but heres what i said:


I got a hug from Caleb (lead guitar), and a picture with him and the friends i went with, I got half a hug from Kyle (HOT drummer whos 6' 3" and I'm 5' 1" so he had to bend down a lot >.<) and a picture with him, and an autograph from Kyle, Caleb and Jonathan. and OMG
So they were like, having us wave our hands in the air and stuff and instead of doing a peace sign or whatever, I made a heart with my hands, and Jonathan saw while he was singing and pointed at me and made me a heart back. Then after that he'd have the crowd do that instead of the peace sign or the other sign (idk what to call it) and it was freaking awesome! <3 I didn't get to talk to, a pic with, or hug Jonathan cause he was absolutely overly crowded, and I only really got Kyle cause he snuck out and I saw him sneeking out, and he signed my shirt, looked at me, and went "Hey, thats my favorite shirt!" (to my FTSK/TWLOHA shirt) and so i was like "hehe thanks, me too" and then he looked at the shirt he just signed and was like "oh, thats my second favorite shirt! you have my two favorite shirts!" and i was like "heheheheh"
Also, during the performance, some chick threw her bracelet at Jonathan and he cought it and wore it, and so like, everyone started thowing their bracelets (including me, thought he didn't put mine on cause I have really bad aim) and then one person threw theirs and it hit him in the crotch! heheh. Then people started throwing clothes. It was a little awkward, and the gaurds defelcted most of them, but some got up on the stage and the band was surprisingly good at dodging and defelcting the clothing >.< hahahaha. (I didn't throw any)
And it was really funny cause before FTSK came on, some girl passed out...then we saw her at AppleBees and it was hilarious.
It was AH. MAY. ZING.
I also found out that their last concert here in Anon town was canceled cause Kyle had to get some organ removed or something...so thats okay, he's SUPER HOT (especially in person, Cause I'm like, in love...) so it makes me feel bad for him and makes it more okay <3
And everyone talks about how concerts are bad live cause they don't have all the tech-y stuff, but they were AMAZING live and I headbanged a lot and so I was sore yesterday :) they were soooo amazing.... <3 Especially for a first concert for me!
Their going back to the UK later this year, maybe you could see them then <3












HOLY CRAP IT WAS SO AMAZING <3 


I'm SOO bummed out that atm they don't have any plans to come back this year :'( It was the most amazing thing of my life <3
AND I WAS ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR LIKE, THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME CAUSE I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN AND IT WAS SO AMAZING AND I JUST WISH I COULD RE-LIVE AND RE-LIVE IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND AHAJSDFKJASDLFKJ 




I would post pictures, but I have, like, over 200 something pictures and I wouldn't be able to chose the best and it would take forever to put them up and be soo long >.<




best. day. of. my. life.

LAZY ME.

Sorry I've been to lazy / busy to blog :D

EEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP

TODAY BETTER BE FUCKIN AMAZING CAUSE I'M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS !


sorry that was weird, I'm just REALLY excited!


in like, half an hour, I'm leaving to go to my friends house, so from there we can go to a concert. I may have said something about this band before, FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS, and how I like, cried when the concert I was supposed to go to before was canceled, but this time its not so I'm like, gona shit myself cause I'm so excited. 




we're hoping we can stay after a little while to get pictures and auto graphs and IM GOING TO SHIT MYSELF SERIOUSLY I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED AND I LOVE FTSK SO MUCH IF I GET A PICTURE WITH CALEB OR JOHNATHAN OR KYLE I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO PISS MY PANTS.


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 


:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Arg. I miss you :P

Actually....you'd never really guess.

I miss you, S S-S.
Your sister may be a bitch, especially to me, but I miss our friendship.

Now EmS is friends with you again, but do you know what really happened?

E told me that she didn't think she'd ever be able to forgive you. When we e-mailed, she was with me telling me what to say. I was saying that stuff both because she told me to, and because I was trying to stick up for her. I was angry at you, but we got along well at M.H's birthday party, and I miss having a good friend like you.

I don't even know what we got in a fight about.

But now you hang out with all those people I don't like, all the couples. I couldn't go over and talk to you because I'd feel so bad about myself with all you couples, then me, the lonely girl no one likes.

Then again, since I'm going away next year, why would it even matter? There's only a month left of school....
I guess this just matters because I'd want you to know....I'd want you to know that I DONT hate you. I was trying to do what E wanted, then she back stabbed me.

I don't know if YOU'LL ever forgive ME, but I just wanted you to know that I don't hate you. I still wish we could be as close as we once were. Because after all I've done for E, she's left me with no one. Because I'm just a bitch.

Sorry.
LYLAS.

Someone..

I just need someone there for me, ya know?

Like, I know this one friend will be there for me if I like, need to rant or whatever, but I want to find someone, like SomeGirl found someone.

I just need a GUY, as selfish as it sounds, to be here for me, when I need a hug, to tell me I'm wonderful when I'm having an awful day, who will care about me no matter how much of a bitch I am.

Personally, I'd think *Pancake Boy* would be compassionate like that, maybe, since he has actually complimented me before, to where I almost cried once. He always makes me feel better when I talk to him, as cheesy as that sounds, but he doesn't know how I feel, and I doubt he would feel that way about me. There are so many other, much prettier and nicer, girls who flirt with him all the time, so I'd hardly stand a chance.

My friends ex also makes me feel good, usually, but I KNOW that he wouldn't date me or anything, I've already tried that, though he is usually there for me when I need him, for a little while anyway...Plus one of my friends loves him, and I couldn't do that to her...


I hope tomorrow is better.

It was a good week, until EMS screwed it up....

I hate you :/

EMS I hate the living hell out of you, you always make me feel like shit. 


I would appreciate it if once and a while you would mind complimenting me, rather than always telling me how wrong I am, how much you hate me, and how much of a failure I am whenever I make a mistake.


I was actually having a good week. Then you came and fucked it up.


Just like my birthday, all over again.


When you left my house today, you have NO IDEA how much I wanted to stop you and say "don't come back", but the only reason I didn't was because RTC and RS were there. 


I hate you. Really. You're one of the biggest things I cant wait to get away from...why do you insist of fucking up my life. 


Then you go and tell people that I'M annoying you. Wow. I'm not the one calling you a bitch at your birthday party, always yelling at you for nothing, and unable to take jokes that aren't even about you. But then you go around doing these things, calling me out on every flaw and fail, and expect me not to hate your guts. 


GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'M DONE WITH YOU. I HOPE YOU READ THIS AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. WE. AREN'T. FRIENDS. YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BITCH EVER. 

Day 18!

Day 18: A picture of your best friend:


.....
Well, I don't really have a best friend.... :/

Day 17!

Day 17: Your greatest fear and your greatest dream:


Fear- failure

Dream- leaving and succeeding.

Not much, but its me

Day 16!

Day 16: ten things that make you smile:


1. Pancake boy, unfortunately
2. Math, oddly
3. Kat (code for the name of a guy I like that my friend decided to call him Kat)
4. Ice cream and french fries, but not together
5. Reeses peanut butter cups <3
6. When guys call me pretty (which is seldom)
7. MY KITTY CAT WHO I LOVE SO MUCH<3
8. Watching Bones
9. Watching our recordings with my mom, one of the only times we can be together and not argue :/
10. Getting more viewers :)
(I'm gona do 11)
11. EATING FLAVOR BLASTED GOLDFISH <3 <3 <3 AND DRINKING MONSTERS <3 <3 <3

Day 15!

Day 15: A picture of your handwriting:

MY ARM LOOKS FAT :P ^^

flllf

Hahahahaha I'm retarded.

I was riding my bike last night, my shoelace got caught in the pedal, so I stopped to get it untangled. I lost my balance and fell, catching myself on my hand, then falling on my butt.

I badly bruised my hand, and may have a hairline fracture, so I'm wearing a splint for a few days. and my butt hurts A LOT.

Day 14!

Day 14: your thoughts on drugs and alcohol:


HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE I WILL NEVER EVER TOUCH THIS SHIT.

My father was/is an alcoholic, and my brother used to use drugs. Stuff like this has destroyed my family...

Day 13!

Day 13: discuss your first kiss:


Well....okay...these are just how i explained them on formspring:

 A kid a year older than me, on the bus early in the morning, he shall not be named, and this was December 18th, 2009, the day before winter break started.

I swear....if I were to see that kid now....I'd totally knee him in the nuts. He was a BAD. kid. (He had a girlfriend when he kissed me!)








Okay, it was about 6:30 am on a school bus, on Friday December 18th, 2009 (Sad that I know the exact date) to a boy who I really liked at the time, and supposedly liked me. I kept hinting to him that I wanted him to kiss me and he finally did. I was airey and bubbley for the rest of the day after that, but unfortunately he kissed me while he had a girlfriend (who he still has), so he cheated on her for me, which mad ME feel awful, not even him, and I told him I couldn't like him anymore since he was cheating on his girlfriend, and he just said "alright" which totally broke my heart cuz I REALLY liked him, and later when we were arguing he said that his friend dared him to kiss me, which hurt me even MORE, and I was upset for a few months, but eventually got over it. If I were to see that kid again, I swear I would punch him in the face or nuts. </3 :P






Yeah.....

:O

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


*runs away screaming*


Yesterday I was retarded and got a sunburn on HALF of my face, so I look stupid. Today my friend is coming over to help me with my makeup for my big presentation at the UU church tomorrow, where I have to wear a dress ( :O  omg! ). so Shes coming to help me figure out how to cover up my sunburn so i dont look stupid, and to find what make up goes well with my dress and how to wear it. I'm not sure if im excited, or scared....

ALSO, we're preforming this song in our service that we had to plan, and so some people have certain parts, (I actually know the whole song:), and the part that goes "its not about win or lose" to "water stay ragin", some guy has the solo part for that, but he doesn't know it that well, and its my favorite part, so the girl said that if he doesn't know it by tomorrow morning, I will do the solo for it, and so I both do and don't want him to learn it, cause I have stage fright so my face will turn BRIGHT red with embarrassment. But again, I kinda want to so I can try to get over that, and I'm not half bad at singing that part, and hes pretty awful...
Aside from that, I, along with everyone else in my group, are singing the chorus, I just might be singing that part if he still fails at it by tomorrow morning.


WISH ME LUCK <3

Day 12!

Day 12: A picture of the place you were born:


I guess like this one, but it was a corner room, and I have no memory of it so I couldn't say if it looked right or not >.<

Well crap. I won't let me upload it, and I don't know why... :(

Day 11!

Day 11: your biggest fear:


I guess, I think it would be failure... I live in a family where I'm pushed to do better, and also this summer is kinda making me go "OMIGOD WHAT IF I SCREW UP AND SUCK AT THE NEW SCHOOL?" so...I guess failure...

3 days behind! Day 10!

Day 10: A picture of your favorite relative:


I don't think she'd be comfortable with me putting a picture of her on here...

Day 9!

Day 9: your favorite blog:


DUHHH MINE!
lol, jk.

I basically just have 3
Some Girl
Broken Hearts & Butterflies
Anddd my nifty little friend,
Tell me I'm a Wreck
(which is a good song, btw, by Every Avenue)

Day 8!

Day 8: Ten things you'd like to say to 10 different people without using names:
hmmm.............

1. I wish your brother hadn't eaten that cookie dough. Now I really wish I took it with me. I really want the cookie dough now.... ;) P.S. rockin out to SKRILLEX >;D P.s.s we should go get monsters cuz I'm really craving one and wanted that kid to buy me one but then I felt bad enough for the cookie dough...
2. I"m done with your shit. Go fuck up your own life, leave me out of it.
3. Thanks for leaving. (sarcasm). Sorry for blaming you.
4. Too many tears for you. I'm done with it, and stop dragging me into your relationship problems with her. Don't you see how it hurts me, AND makes me uncomfortable?
5. you always seem like your a good friend, but are you? You're supposed to be here for me, but I can tell you're always just annoyed when I come to you for help. Sometimes you don't even text me back, or when you do all it is is "sorry." then you change the topic onto yourself. But then you have HER, your best friend ever. What would I be compared to her? When have you ever even made an effort to make up a fight with me, when every time you fight with her you forgive her and try to be friends again. With me you just ignore me for a week then act like nothing happened. What happened to being the closest person? You used to be the one person I wanted to stay in contact with, but now I realize how little I mean to you. You may know more about me than anyone at our school, but you dont care about me, so how am I supposed to work with that??
6. Sorry that I blamed you for everything. You were right, I was just using you as a scapegoat, but also, most of what I said was true. You treat me like shit.
7. Sorry, I'm not good at keeping promises. I don't even know what to call how I eat. I just wish it could be real and work.
8. I'm not telling you about my ear hurting because I feel like I deserve the pain....but then again, surgery would be painful...but then it'd go away...So I'll keep living on with my ear hurting greatly. Also, for those few days when we were looking out for it....I did hope I'd become dehydrated.
9. You suck. REALLY? The fucking day before my birthday you give her chocolates and roses, after I told you how I felt? You know what...I'm done with your shit too. Don't come begging to me after you two break up. I'm better off on my own.
10. You know nothing about me. Sometimes I like it that way, sometimes I wish I could tell you everything, with you acting like a real friend and caring. But I know you, and all you would say is "..who cares??", which is why I cant fucking wait to leave you behind next year. Go screw your stupid ass praying teddy bear you ass face. :)

Some of that kinda felt really good to get out :)

Please?

I has a request....




Will someone please mail me Monsters and flavor blasted Goldfish?
Please?
Those are my favoritest things in the WHOLE WORLD, and my mom hardly buys them for me/lets me buy them..... :O

Day 7!

Day 7: talk about your idol and how they influence you:


uhh...I don't exactly have an Idol....I'm kinda failing at this challenge :)))

Some things I never finished.....

Sorry for the weird alignment, it kinda...came out screwy


So, As I kinda said before, I've started a number of things, that I could never actually finish.....stories, anyway, and diaries. Here are what I have of the number of things I never actually finished, though I always wish I could...


1. my story
UnNoticeable


http://inkpop.com/projects/72106/unnoticeable/read-project/#chapter




Oct. 4, 2010
I feel every little touch. I always have my mind focused in two places; on my work, and on the guy right beside me. He doesn’t know it, as far as I can tell. Every time his elbow or leg touches mine my mind explodes, I panic and don’t know what to do. Every time he asks me a stupid class-related question, I cherish every moment and melt a little on the inside. he hardly knows who I am...I’m no flirt, I’m not pretty, I’m below average in my confusing mind.
I have always hoped to find someone that thought my spike-layered dark brown hair was beautiful, not fried and wiry. Someone who thought my dark green eyes were as gorgeous as a cat’s, someone who recognized me as me, not just use me to pass his math homework. I had always hoped, but my dreams had never come true. I always had too high of expectations set in my dreams, that crushed me when the opposite thing happened. But right now I just wanted him to notice me, like me, talk to me, or hug me....but none of that was possible. 
"Hayden is one of the popular guys," I thought. "He’ll never know I exist beyond History class."
To be honest, I wish he would read this, but he won’t. Maybe I’ll purposely leave it on my desk, but he’s not a snoop. I doubt I’ll tell him how I feel about him.  It’s pointless anyhow, he would never like a girl like me, and I would just get jealous from all the girls he attracts. Their like flies to honey. Not to mention it would get like, super awkward and embarrassing in History.
Ooohh…..his short, soft cocoa colored hair, cropped close to his scalp, yet not a buzz; his happy-go-lucky grin and attitude, his rough-yet gentile-voice when he actually talks to me are all things about him that charm his way into my heart. He doesn’t even know it, how beautiful he is, how easily he can woo a girl just by his smile. He’s also a football player, so he’s really strongJ. I’m thinking about asking him football related questions just so he’ll talk to me, but I know absolutely nothing about football so I’d probably end up embarrassing myself like I normally do.
He’s not normally my type, but I have NEVER wanted to hug someone as much as I want to hug him. I can only imagine his strong arms around me, protecting me from all that scares me, the sweet smell that my imagination has created radiating off of his skin, and ooohh the warmth of being so CLOSE to him. Day after day I sit by him, and day after day I fight the overwhelming urge just to get up and hug him in the middle of class. It’s driving me insane!!  I just, LOVE hugs, and he seems so….. I don’t know, huggable?
He’s ALWAYS in such a good mood. I have yet to see him get brought down by anything at all. He didn’t even break his smile when we both got caught from me letting him copy my notes that were supposed to be his homework. He’s just so….well perfect in my opinion. I WANT him to get the clue, I want him to know. I just have to flirt, which is the only way I can think of to get him to figure it out, and I can’t flirt for the life of me. I can hardly even keep eye contact with him!!! The only mildly flirtatious thing I can think of to do is to go to his football games, so I’m staying after school with my friend (her boyfriend is on the football team as well) to watch the game.


Oct. 11, 2010
The next two days didn’t go too well. I found out something that crushed me. One of my best friends told me that she overheard one of his popular friends bragging…..about him….and a girl. Fortunately, I was friends with a girl (lets call her kaity) who knew the girl that Hayden’s friend was bragging about. So “kaity” talked to her about it, and found out some interesting stuff.
She found out that he and this girl were at a party together, and he had never had his first kiss, so everyone at the party volunteered her to kiss him. So they kissed, and ended up liking each other. Well, at least that’s what everyone thinks.
“They probably do,” I thought. “She’s wayyyy prettier than me. Of course he would like her.”
But ignorant little me went on with it anyway, convincing myself that it wasn’t true. Boyyyy was I wrong about that. I could only wish.


Things were fine on the day of the football game, I think. But there were some weird things. Sitting there in history class, almost last period, debating things in my head, he made fun of my shoes. I have converse, and I love them, but their a little beat up, so they have some rips in the cloth. I just grinned and thanked him sarcastically, playfully; attempting to slightly flirt. After that, I noticed his socks. They were long grey socks pushed down to his ankles.
            Now, when I say long, I don’t mean knee-highs or anything, maybe just something that goes halfway up his calf when their pulled up. I thought it was really weird, but I didn’t say anything about it. Sitting there, I had an internal debate with myself; One half of my heart wanting so badly to tell him that I like him, and the other arguing all the good reasons of why I shouldn’t. The other side won; I didn’t have the guts to tell him.
            I was actually hoping that I could tell him after his football game. It was a cold day out, but not too cold, about moderate. Not windy, luckily. I stayed after with my friend who was watching the game for her boyfriend, and we had a lot of fun. I had my camera (my excuse was that I was taking pictures for yearbook cause I have the football page) so I got some epic pictures of my friend, and a lot of football pictures.  I got a really good picture of his touchdownJ
            Sadly, though, I didn’t get a chance to tell him after his football game. I didn’t know that the game lasted past when the activity bus left, so I had to get a ride home with my friend “Jane” (not the one I stayed after school with; she left me a little more than half way through) who had soccer practice so I had to sit in the cold for about an hour more, plus all the football players went straight home after the game was over after changing. No time for talk. I was kind of sad, but also kind of relieved because I wasn’t sure what would have happened, had I told him. Now I wish I had told him.
            Friday I didn’t go to school. I’m not sure if that was a good thing or not. I was stuck in the car all day, being dragged to some stupid family reunion type thing. I did NOT want to be there at all. Especially with my friend “Anna” threatening to tell him that day because sometimes she’s just mean like that. I was relieved when I asked her and she said she didn’t tell me. Buttttt I was super happy when I asked her if he had asked where I was, and he did.
            That weekend was torture. I was the youngest there, and every lady relative was all like “Ooohh it’s been so long since I’ve seen you” when I honestly had no memory of them at all, even though I supposedly see them every year. I don’t believe that though.
            Saturday was the worst. That’s when it happened. My denial because total reality. I was on facebook, stalking him like my creepy little self (not really but still) when I saw it. He was in a relationship. With her. I found this out during the woman’s weekend book sharing thingy. I almost started crying, so I turned my back and sat there silently. I couldn’t believe it. I had twisted my own reality and dreams in to the REAL reality, where dreams don’t come true.
            I had my devious plans all figured out by the time I got back in the car for the 4 hour ride home. It all depended on how he acted. If he acted happier, I would act all sad and depressed. If he didn’t change, I would just hardly talk to him and pretend like I was fine. It didn’t really work out that way in the end though.
            He didn’t act different, but I couldn’t help myself from talking to him. I did everything I could without being pushy. Asked what I had missed, looked at his paper, ect. I was also very pleased when he asked when I was going to put up the picture of his touchdown (I told him that I got a picture of it). When he asked, I just smiled and said
            “Oh, sorry. I haven’t got a chance to put it on yet, but I will next time I get on.” And I did. I was pleased when I had an excuse to message him on facebook, telling him I had uploaded his picture. I was even happier when he made it his profile picture.
            As well as asking for his picture in class, I could have sworn I caught him staring at me a couple times in history, but that was probably my twisted dream-mixed-reality again. Nothing like that would have really happened, I’m sure.
            Then there was Tuesday. We didn’t spend much time in class on Tuesday, but I still managed to talk to him a little bit. Mostly, what happened Tuesday was out side of school. I was just sitting at home on facebook, and I went on his profile. I got really freaked out when, while on his profile, a message popped up. It was from him. My face got bright red because just for that instance, I could have sworn he knew I was looking at his profile. But no, he was just asking a question about our homework. But I was still so happy that he had messaged meJ. And, as silly as it is, I even got happy when he said “see ya tomorrow”.






Oct. 28, 2010


It’s been a while since I’ve talked about him…life hasn’t been great. And I have stupid writers block so this probably won’t be much…..
Well okay, lets see, what has happened recently……not much……I know; I’m totally changing the style of writing right in the middle. I’m sorry, if anyone actually reads this. I am just finding this an easier way to write it, since it is just told from my point of view, how I feel, yada yada.  Yeah, I’m not the best writer in the world, but I like to show voice, so here is mine.
I would love to write this day to day, but I’m just outright too lazy. I have gotten very close to telling him several times that I like him;;;;
Oh what the crap, no one is going to read this so I might as well stop. It a sucky story anyway. If you actually care enough to hear the rest of my pathetic story, message me or comment.








(sorry for the screw-y allignment...its being stupid)


2. my story
Cats Eye
(I really like this one...)


http://inkpop.com/projects/73603/cats-eye/read-project/#chapter




chapter 1: Ruined Eyes


               “I have to get out of here, I need to leave. I can’t stay here” Storm said silently to herself, hurriedly, looking anxiously over her shoulder. “I can’t let them see me. This is too dangerous.”
                She heard footsteps thudding behind her, only one person. She could take them. Storm reached up as she was running, her long silver hair flying behind her. “Reeeeaaaccchhhh, higher, higher, NOW!”  She shot up like lightning, pulling herself into the nearest tree. Her follower was almost there. Storm prepared herself to attack, got ready to spring.


                As she carefully adjusted herself in her cat-like stance, hands on the branch in front of her, legs curled to spring, Storm noticed that the boy running after her wasn’t AFTER her. He ran straight past, a terrified expression on his face. She shifted the pack that was sliding to the side on her back and carefully looked forward to see what her supposed attacker was running from. She almost had to gasp aloud when she saw it


                She couldn’t tell whether it was a male or female, once upon a time. All she knew was right now the thing that was trudging and stumbling its way along towards her. Its hair was shaggy-for a guy, short for a girl. The hair was scraggly, cut in crude lines, jagged, and matted in blood. Storm could see its eyes even from 15 feet away; they shone bright purplish white, but brighter than a cat s eye, with blood stains in the corners of the eyes. And the face, “oh god…..” Storm thought. The creatures face was torn up, the skin of its left check and half of its chin hanging loose, flopping each step it took. The entire right side of its head was covered in cuts, bruises, and BLOOD. Lots and lots of blood. The girl was wearing tattered once-upon-a-time pink and white cheerleader clothes, torn up in so many places that they hardly stayed on her body. Storm even noticed that there was blood dripping out of its eyes, ears, and sides of its mouth.
                Storm started to silently gag. She still had to do something. She heard the faint “thump! Thump!” of the boy behind her. She knew what she had to do. She had to confront this thing. She tensed her legs to jump. She watched the creature approach, dragging its right foot behind it.
                Storm took a deep breath, then, with all thoughts of getting home unnoticed pushed out of her head, as silently and smoothly as a cat, she jumped down right behind the creature. It didn’t turn. Storms hand shot out and grabbed the thing by its neck, then turned so she had it in a headlock, a move she had learned from wrestling with her older brother years ago.
                “EEEACCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!” the creature screamed so loud that storm almost had to let go of it to cover her ears.
                “Tricky little bastard” she muttered, still wincing from the screech. The creature started clawing at her arm. Storm silently swore under her breath. The thing had sharp nails!  She continued to wrestle with the creature until she finally had it pinned underneath her on the ground, in an arm lock now.
                “GET OFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEEEEE!!!” it screeched furiously at storm. “HEEEE DIIDDDD THISSSSSS TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!” it continued, trying to motion to its head with its hand. Storm realized it wasn’t an it; it was a she. Storm wasn’t so sure of the girl she was sitting on top of to trust her enough to let go. So she just slightly loosened her deathly grip on the girls arm.
                “What’s your name?” storm demanded, fire blazing in her amber eyes from the adrenaline rush. She shifted her pack again, so she wouldn’t squish it.
                The girl panted a bit before she could answer. “My name is….is….I’m Lindsey.” She said, almost in hysterics now. Lindsey started sobbing, collapsing into Storm.
                Storm began to gather herself. “WHO did this to you?!” she asked, absolutely furious.
                Between sobs, Lindsey managed to get out “Him……I chased……..the boy…….you saw……let him…….get away!!” but the rest was incomprehensible.
                That’s when it struck storm. The boy she thought was chasing her. The boy that was running away from Lindsey; he did this to her. Storm felt furious at herself, she had let him get away! Storm made a vow right them; she would find this boy and make him pay. She was the one that let him get away; she was GOING to find him. She didn’t care how long it took.
                “Lindsey! LINDSEY!” Storm shouted at the sobbing girl. “Why did that boy do this to you?!?”
                The girls sobbing had subsided a bit, so she could reply. “Well…..it’s sort of a long story” she said timidly.
                “I have time” storm said coldly. Storm could tell the girl was just making excuses because she didn’t want to tell her, so she was determined to find out.
                “Well……can you keep a secret?” Lindsey asked storm. “I mean, from everyone. It’s a big secret….” She trailed off.
                Storm scoffed. “Honey I’m keeping a huge one from every person in the world right now. You don’t have to worry about secrets with me.”
              




chapter 2:  Secrets


          
An hour later, after showers, Storm and Lindsey were sitting around a 2 seater table in Le Ground Café’. Storm nonchalantly sipped her Pumpkin Spice Latte as she watched Lindsey trying not to quaver as she finished the last of her secret story, blowing on her hot chocolate. Lindsey refused to drink caffeine; she believed it stunted her growth and she wanted to, well, not shrink. She was short enough already, in her opinion and the hundreds of other girls and boys that always made fun of her for being short for her age.
                Storm on the other hand, was tall and elegant. She had long flowing, straight silver hair, startlingly bright amber eyes. She wore a mix of dark and light colors, mostly pitch blacks to brilliant silvers, all at once. She has that “bad-ass” attitude, anyone could tell that almost instantly. She hated makeup almost as much as she hated preps, the two were too similar. Storm almost never got emotional about anything. She could only recall two times when she had ever actually cried, and she had very good reasons to, reasons which she would never tell anyone; or hasn’t yet.
                After Storm quizzed Lindsey some more about her big secret, the girls started talking about girl things for once. Storm was pretty disgusted with it, but she went along just to be nice to the poor girl. Storm could tell that Lindsey was having a hard time. She knew how hard it was to trust people. There was only one person storm had ever admitted her secret to, and he ended up being an untrustworthy ass hole. Ever since she had told him she never felt like she could tell anyone else at risk of exposure.
                 
******************


                Lindsey was on her way home from the cafe’ when she saw it; up in a tree she noticed a grey and black cat staring at her. At first she didn’t think much of it, but as she continued walking towards it, she started to notice feature of the cat. She felt like she recognized the cat somehow. Maybe it was the eyes, the startling bright eyes that stood out on the black and grey face. The eyes shone as bright as the moon, but they were a pure crimson. She could hardly make out the silhouette of the cat, with the shadow of the tree concealing it, and the grey blending with the brilliant orange of the full harvest moon.
                “It’s just a cat” she decided. “There’s no reason to get worked up.” Looking away, she noted the slight movement of the cat moving deeper into the shadows behind her. A tremble went through Lindsey’s spine. She knew she had to get home. Lucky for her, Lindsey lived in the safer part of town.
                Walking into her house, Lindsey silently went upstairs. She hadn’t patched up her cuts yet, so she still looked pretty gruesome, she didn’t want her mom to see her and have to explain what happened, or more likely, make up some cover story about falling off her bike or something.
                Silently padding up each stair, careful not to step on the squeaky stairs to avoid waking up her mom, Lindsey suppressed a scream. Two reasons-The first was that she saw a wolf spider had made a huge web across her bedroom door, and the second was that she saw the same bright eyed cat as she had seen in the tree jumping, attacking, and killing the spider. Lindsey just stood, too shocked to move.
                When the cat turned around and saw Lindsey, Lindsey heard a faint “Meur!” startled noise come from the cat, which was beginning to drag the corpse of the spider away. The cat kept a hold of the spider corpse, but quickly raced out of the house, leaving Lindsey standing in the hall, mouth wide open in horror and shock.
                “What’s happening?! What’s going on?? Why is this happening to me? Am I going crazy?!” a million startled thoughts ran though Lindsey’s head at once.
                The moment was over. Lindsey was convinced she had imagined it all; the crimson eyes of the cat, the wolf spider body, the web covering her door… but deep down she knew it was all true. Every bit of it. She knew it was the cat from the shadows, and she knew that she knew who the cat was; she just couldn’t put a name on it. A chill ran though her spine as she cautiously entered her room and cleaned her face.


*********************


                Breathing hard, Storm stumbled into her house, making sure not to bump her pack into the door frame. She knew no one was home, even if someone was, no one would have cared that she was just getting home from ‘school’ at 1:30 on a Wednesday morning.
                Storm stumbled up to her room. She had done too much today; she had worn herself out and she knew it. She had to play hooky at school tomorrow otherwise things might take a turn for the worse. She was weak and she couldn’t risk tiring herself out anymore. She needed her energy for this weekend. Flopping on her bed, Storm gently stroked her cat that was curled up on her bed in its favorite spots. She thought that only her cat understood her sometimes. Storm loved animals. Sometimes they were the only thing that kept her from drifting, letting herself be seen, opening herself up to someone, but they always saved her from her irrationality.
                As tired as she was, storm sat up on her bed, crisscrossed. Pulling her sack up from the foot of her bed, storm closed her eyes. She knew she had to do it; she had to open the bag and face what was in it.












3. My story
I'm not Cinderella


http://inkpop.com/projects/75835/i-m-not-cinderella-/read-project/#chapter


(this is not about me, btw)


So here’s the deal, I have 2 best friends. I used to have 4, but me and my two friends, Lindsey and Marissa, got in a fight with the other two girls in our group, Bekah and Lexis, therefore we are no longer friends with them, leaving me with my only two friends. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do, I’m really close to. When we had Bekah and lexis in our group, we NEVER let in any “outsiders” that wanted to be in our group. All we needed was each other, and we knew EVERYTHING about each other.
 But, now I just have Lindsey and Marissa. I have a couple friends, like Amy, Storm and Chance (she’s a girl). Other than them, I don’t really have friends. I’m not great friends with Amy and Chance, but Chance and I are pretty close. Chances best friend is Jamie though. I don’t mind Jamie, I would even be absolutely fine being friends with Jamie, but she seems to not like us. By “us”, I mean Lindsey, Marissa and I of course. The thing I really like about Chance though is she doesn’t give up that easily. She’s very determined. I met her in 6th grade, and then she was sort of friends with me, but her real friends were Salmon (Shanon), Poo-bear (Britnay), and Kim (Kimerlyn…weird, right?). The sad thing was they ALL moved away either during 6th grade year, or 6th grade summer. I felt really bad for her because she had no friends in starting 7th grade.
Well, anyway, 7th grade was when everything changed for me. Well, if you wona get all technical and stuff, it was the summer of 7th grade. Here’s what happened.
Lexis and I had been best friends for 9 years. I loved the death out of her. In 6th grade was when Bekah and Marissa cam into OUR group. Lexis and I welcomed them with open arms. We knew everything about each other. We were all best friends for 2 years. In 7th grade, the new girl, Lindsey, joined our group. She fit in well. But, at the end of 7th grade is when the shit hit the fan. Bekah got a boyfriend. I didn’t like him much, and neither did Marissa or Lindsey, so at lunch we would make fun of him. He got really tired of it and broke up with Bekah because of us. Honestly I felt a bit bad, but that was why SHE left the group. Lexis was a different story-mostly.
She began doubting our un-wavering friendship because of Bekah. We started getting in more fights; we had only had 2 fights before in our friendship. Eventually, I realized how bad of a friend she was. She was always the boy magnet, and would ditch us for boys. She would always cut me and her other ‘friends’ out of her facebook pictures, and she almost NEVER showed emotion. So that’s when Marissa, Lindsey and I decided not to be friends with her anymore.  Now-a-days I don’t even mind Bekah, only Lexis. What really sucks is I live across the street from her. Talk about awkward!
So, the end of 7th grade is when my group of friends fell apart.  Just wait; it gets worse. A lot worse. Don’t get me wrong, I love Marissa, but she made my life miserable.
My parents have been divorced since I was little, and I’ve been living with my dad my whole life. And up until around the end of 7th grade I was totally fine with that. My mom was never a good mom to me when I was little. She would ignore me and my brothers when we went over there, so I used to hate going there, because I love my dad.  But a little after 7th grade was over, my mom realized how bad of a mom she was, so she got her act together. She tried to spend time with me; she would hang out with me and my brothers and try to do fun stuff. She would let me bring my friends to her house even though she lived 45 minutes away and I didn’t see her that much.
But then she moved. Now, when I actually like going to see her, she lives 2 hours away. Now; when I need her the most, she lives a lot further away. It makes me really sad. The worst part is that last month she found out she has cancer. I cry at night, knowing that I’m going to lose my mom right when I love her and need her the most.
Things really started changing sometime in late 7th grade. My dad got a girlfriend. “Oh yay, that’s great” most people would say, and so did I at first. Who was he dating, you ask? Marissa’s mom. Yeah, that’s right; her. She works at our school and hates everyone except for Marissa. She usually acts like she likes me when my dads around, but she doesn’t really. She treats me like crap.
“Yah so what, she’s just a girlfriend, no big deal.” You say. BULL SHIT. The day before 8thgrade my dad told me they were engaged. I was horrified. I refused to believe it, but it was true. That was the day I became a mother f*ckin Cinderella. Kill me.
No, really, kill me. I did become suicidal for a while. My dad’s ‘fiancé’ treats me like a pile of shit. She acts all nice around my dad, but she makes me do EVERYTHING, chores, laundry, cleaning, ect, ect. Meanwhile she treats Marissa like a fricken angel. The only thing I can do to get away from the awfulness is to get into my own world of texting my friends; my real friends...


Me: “I can’t take this any more Lindsey, I just can’t…..”
Liddy: “no, stop it Em, stop talking like that. Your awesome, Fat Bitch just doesn’t see that and so she treats you like crap…it’s not your fault!!”
Me: “but….but Lyd…. I just can’t take it…..my mom being two hours away, my dad neglecting me, and FAT BITCH always getting on my case…..I don’t know how to handle it anymore….”
Liddy: “well, you know that my mom said you can live with us….”
Me: “I know, and I would love too, but you know FB” (fat bitch-dad’s girlfriend) “would say no and my dad would go with anything she says…..plus I don’t want to abandon my dad……I love him…”
Liddy: “I know…..just saying….”
Me: “yah I know whatever. *sigh*. Why can’t she just leave!!!”
Liddy: “well, because she’s Marissa’s mom. Your dad thinks you’re psyched about living with her…”
Me: “I know…..but I’m not!!! I have to share a twin sized bed with her, its driving me nuts. She never stops talking about herself and ever since she moved into my room I’ve been finding all these annoying flaws about her and it makes me so mad!”
Liddy:  “Em…..calm down…..”
Me: “I want to kill myself.”
Liddy: “No Emma!!! You are amazing and wonderful and if you died idk what I would do cuz without you I have no friends! Don’t you dare! You are the best thing in the world idk why you would think your not!!!”
Me: “no I’m not. I’m just some stupid failure of a girl. Why does MY life have to be screwed up???”
Liddy: “its not. Everyone goes through tough times. Common Em….now get some sleep; its 10 o clock and we have school tomorrow.
Me:  “fine….night Lyd. Love ya. See you tomorrow.”
Liddy: “night, see you. <3 ya” 








4. My story
UnNatural


http://inkpop.com/projects/75845/unnatural/read-project/#chapter


( I wrote this quite  a while ago, like....2 or so years ago, well, most of it back then anyway)


The weather was just perfect for what the girl had planned tonight. The night was dark, warm, and with a nice breeze to top it all off.
Whoosh!
The dear scrambled past.  Just out of the girls reach. It ran for the forest. Long gone.
            “Damnit! Missed again!”The girl complained to her companion. She was new to this and wasn’t very experienced.




            “Jamie, get up! Time for school!” father called.
            “Ok I’m coming!” I called back. I was still sleepy, but oh well, this was the first day of school at Limburg high. I was new to town. I only knew fathers friends and long time friends like Bailey and Katie.
            As I drove myself to school in my new flashy sports car, (of which was my birthday present last week) I noticed some gang-looking kids walking the other direction of school. They looked about my age or younger.
            Ring! Ring! Ring!
            “Hello?” Bailey answered.
            “Hey, bailey, this is Jamie, where is the Jr. High at?”
            “South. Why?” bailey asked confused. “You’re not in Jr. High. You’re in high school with me.”
            “I just saw some kids walking the wrong way to school. They looked our age or younger.”
            “Oh….those kids were probably Jason and his ‘gang’. “
            “Do they skip class a lot?”
            “Ha ha. I don’t even think they are enrolled in school!”
            “Oh that’s funny. Well, I got to go now. Bye!”
            “Ok bye Jam!”
            Beep. Beep, beep.
            Well, that explains why I thought they were gangsters, I thought to myself. I was almost to the school now, and at this point, I was ready to deal with anything. I loved socializing!
       I parked my sleek shiny car smoothly. I saw that a couple people were staring at the bright red ‘Malibu Barbie’ car. I didn’t care. This was going to be a fun year. New boys, new boyfriends, new car, lots of attention for being the new kid. Oh I am going to love this school! I thought.
       As soon as I stepped out of my car, about 20 people gathered around me.  I started hearing a bunch of ‘hi’s’ and hello’s’.  And even some ‘hey hottie’s’.
Oh yes. I would LOVE this school.
I had chemistry, calculus, geometry, English, biology, Spanish, and other basics.


 At lunch after 5th period, I sat at bailey’s table. He laughed when he saw some other guys follow me there.
“How’s Limburg so far?” bailey asked me.
“Pretty good. There were some…distractions in class today though….” I looked over my shoulder at the boys that were following.
“Ha ha. Yeah they can be annoying.” Ha, like he would know. I noticed some other girls that were in my class sit with us…Hannah, Sapphire, Annabelle, Alice, Bella, Tara, and Samantha.  And Katie there to back me up.  I only recognized a couple of the guys, but they all knew my name.  Kethan, Matt, Sam, and of course, Bailey.   I sat next to Bailey and Katie. 
             I saw Bella and Alice looking at me funny. The other kids that were sitting at their table did too…like I committed a crime or something…I didn’t…
            I quickly looked away. I didn’t like them already, but in class Bella talked to me. She seemed nice enough…but the way she was glaring at me now, I just didn’t get it.
           
            After lunch, I had chemistry. One of the classes I had with Bailey and Bella both.  I couldn’t find a seat that wasn’t next to some crepo.
            “Here” Bailey’s lab partner stood up”you can sit here” he got up and sat with the creepy kid. Hey, I recognized that creepy kid. He was one of the kids that were sitting with Bella and Alice.
             I sat down next to Bailey.
            “Who’s that?” I asked Bailey, pointing to the weird kid. 
            “Oh, that’s Jaspen.” He told me, his eyes darting over to the kid, Jaspen.  “He is one of the….stranger kids”
            “Yeah, I can tell” I replied quietly, afraid Jaspen would overhear
“At lunch, he was staring at me really weird. So was Bella. They were staring at me like….. Like he knew that…..never mind….” I started to say to Bailey.
 I couldn’t tell Bailey! What was I thinking? Oh, boy I’m stupid.  He can’t know what I am. It would be to horrifying to him, or worse, he would expose me!  If he knew, I would have to kill him!  He was one of my good friends. It’s not right to kill friends.  No matter how annoying they are. 
Luckily, Bailey knew me well enough to know I start saying things and didn’t finish. Then I would start talking to an invisible camera.  Ha ha. No, I didn’t do that.  That would officalize my weirdness.  He just knew to not ask what I was thinking.
           


The next day, Bailey has a snowboarding competition.  He invited me to come see him show off his tricks. 
            “Sure. I’ll come if you want.” I told him.
            “Thanks. You can bring someone if you want too.” He said, hopeful I wouldn’t.
            “Ha ha. Would it be ok with you if I just brought Katie?” I asked, not wanting to be alone with Bailey and no other girls I knew….it wasn’t safe…I don’t think I could manage the temptation…..and if I caught him alone….who knew what he would find out about me and….possibly….not live to tell…I didn’t want to do that!!  Stop thinking about him dumb ass! Or you will be overcome by your temptation! STOP IT!! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!  
My conscience was right.  I would wind up killing him if I went alone and I REALLY needed to stop thinking about the sweet smell of his….SNAP OUT OF IT!!! Yes yes, I need to stop…..
            “Sure” he said, interrupting my thoughts.  I had been thinking for a shorter period of time than I thought. I thought it would have surly been at least a minute, but the self discussion had only lasted several seconds.
            “Ok thanks” I told him. “I just don’t really feel….comfortable being there alone…” I told him carefully.
            Just then Katie walked up to us.  Thank you Katie for saving me!!  I sighed.
            “Hey, Katie would you like to come to my snowboarding competition?” he asked, turning on his charm.  Katie giggled.
            “Sure” she told him excited and completely ignoring me.  Sigh. Katie had had a crush on Bailey for a while now.
            “Thanks. Jamie is to chicken to go alone” he mockingly said, grinning at me. “Whose a little scaredy cat to go to a snowboarding competition alone with a boy!!” he mocked me.  I stuck my tongue out at him like a five year old.  He laughed at me.  Katie was getting annoyed with me taking up Bailey’s attention.  She started walking away.
            “Hey, where are you going??” Bailey called after her.  She didn’t look back.  I started to get the feeling she didn’t like me too much any more.  Just because I was stealing the ‘light’ from her little ‘Bailey’ her ‘boyfriend’. They weren’t even going out! And she said that they were all the time! God, she’s stupid!  But, it did seem like he liked her little….and it seemed like he liked me. I don’t like him….do I? Well, I don’t think I do at least…. No, I didn’t.  Or better not.
            So we went to Bailey’s snowboarding competition.  Katie ignored me the whole first competition. Bailey did well. He made it to finals.
            “Oh I’m so proud of you!” Katie exclaimed.
            “Umm…thanks?” Bailey said, looking at me and mouthing ‘help me!’ while she hugged him fiercely. I laughed.
            “What’s so funny Jamie?” Katie asked in her peppy, innocent girl voice but semi glaring at me for laughing at her.  I laughed again.  This time Bailey laughed with me.  Katie got frustrated with us both.
            “Ugh!!” she complained.  I laughed again. So did Bailey.  “What ever. You two aren’t worth my worrying.” She told us matter-of-factly.  She stormed away.  Bailey and I burst into laughter. 
            “Well, I got to go practice for the finals.” He told me.  He walked away to get on the ski lift.  So Jamie was left alone…with a bunch of humans.  A bunch of sweet smelling humans….  Wait… she sniffed harder. Vampire! She could smell it here in this crowd…she followed the sent.  She came across a vampire awaiting her.  He must have smelled her too.  She greeted him with a nod. 
            “So Jamie, what are you doing here?” he asked casually, motioning for her to sit next to him. Jamie remained standing.
            “Why are you here Simon?” she said coldly, her eyes turning blue with a violent light.
            “To see you, of course.” He looked up at her from between his eyelashes, attempting to charm her. It didn’t work, mostly because of the dangerous tone in his voice.
            “What do you want.”
            “You know what I want.” All the fake charm was out of his voice by now and it was pure danger radiating off his skin….along with poisonous vampire toxins of course; but they couldn’t hurt me.
            I was fuming now.
“You’re never going to get it.” I said plainly. “You won’t be able to find it.”
His eye flashed black, grey, silver, several other unnatural colors, then landed on a deep, inhumanly green shade. That color could be the death of any human being if he wanted to.
            He wasn’t so charming anymore.
            “Listen little girl.” He said, quietly but violently, “I know you have it. I know who you care about the most. I know over two-thousand and one ways to kill humans. I will go as far as I need to to get that vial!
            With my eye’s flashing crimson red, I gave him an emotionless death stare. On any normal human, a bat of my eyelash could melt their will to do anything, making them my own slave. This of course, was only what I had been told. I had never actually tried it, and hoped I would never need it.
            After what seemed like 5 minutes of a battle of death stares, Simon put his grey sweatshirt on, stood up, and left, leaving only one threat behind:
            “I know how to hurt you. Might as well give me the vial before it’s too late.” And he proceeded to leave without so much as a glance backwards.


            “Oh….my god…” I thought to myself, collapsing onto the stands behind me. “What am I going to do?!”


As I was driving home from the competition, I saw a flash of brown to my left, and then there was a loud “THUNK” on my front bumper, than an audible “CRACK” of my windshield.
            “God damnit!” I muttered to myself, sliding out of the car.
            My eyes widened; electric blue and full of horror.
            On my bumper laid a limp, unconscious body of a 16 or 17year old boy. He was pretty handsome, I guess, had his face not been coated with blood. I was relieved when I checked and he still had a pulse.
            Panting, I peeled him off of my windshield carefully. That’s when it hit me; a zing of pain, love, loss, hurt, anger, sadness, happiness, joy, and depression all washed over me at once. I gasped and nearly dropped the poor boy, and only caught him with my ninja-like reflexes.
            I gently put him on the grass, and he sprawled out on his own, relieving me by signaling that he was, in fact alive. I already knew he was alive, I just found it hard to believe even though I could smell it.
            Curling into the fetal position right there on the side of the road, I began sobbing. Those feelings, they couldn’t be true. No. they weren’t real. I was sure of it. It had to be just delayed shock or something, I thought.
            Deep down I knew I was just lying.
            I sat there crying for some while. They didn’t think I could see, but I saw those people in their cars staring at me. That’s right….I see you….then finally the boy came to, moaning.






5. My diary
Dear Sydney, 
Love, A friend


http://inkpop.com/projects/89046/dear-sydney-love-a-friend/read-project/#chapter




January 4th, 2011
Dear Sydney,
I’m so sorry. You’ve been through so much and haven’t gotten depressed. I envy you. I’ve only been through half of what you have, and I can’t take it anymore. I lied about my new year’s resolution. It’s not to forget about them, though I will try, but it’s to stop eating and cut myself on the thigh when I cry myself to sleep about Taylor I’m so sorry. It’s only the 4th and I’ve cut myself for the 3rd time….I haven’t even cried yet. The first thing I did on New Year’s was cut the first time. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve you as a friend, especially since I’ll never bring myself to give this to you. I’m a horrible person. I just feel stuck in the middle of everything.im so sorry. I envy you so much that you can deal with all the crap you’ve been through. I’m a monster. I keep having nightmares where I can’t control my emotions and tell Taylor everything, and I’m terrified I actually will. Every day I go on sixbillionsecrets.com and post a secret everyday…I didn’t even know I was such a disturbed teen. I’m so lucky you’re my friend.
Love,
A friend








January 5th, 2011
Dear Sydney,
            Today was horrible. I’m crying. Taylor made my day totally horrible and I’m scared I’m going to get angry when I get the blade out and hurt myself….more. So Taylor….he’s going out with one of my best friends, Sammy, but she’s the only person other than you who knew I kind of liked him. Things have changed though, and I’ve totally fallen for him again and it sucks ass. I would never ever do anything to hurt Sammy but I’m afraid of myself. Today he came up behind me in the hallway and gave me the sneak attack hug he gives HER. Then jokingly (I hope) said “oh man, sorry, wrong person!” then goes to talk to Sammy. Then on the bus he told me to take some vitamin D when I got home. I asked why and he said because it’ll make me happier. He said I was radiating sadness, and then he started to say that I was depressed, then he started cracking up and he was laughing for like 5 minutes so his friend said “sorry he’s being really rude, I don’t know why.” Then when he finally stopped laughing he said I’m depressed (while giggling) then put his hand on my food and said something, that I don’t remember, and a couple seconds later he was talking to his friend and was telling him about things to do to make girls think guys understand, and was jokingly/mockingly doing exactly what he had done to me, which really hurt my feelings. I got really upset so I had to go sit by my friend, Ally, so he wouldn’t see me cry about him laughing at me and mocking me. I was so tempted to just throw my phone at him so he would see my letter from yesterday and realize how screwed up I am and why him laughing at depression actually hurt. I want him to know I like him, but I really don’t also because it would hurt Sammy so much and I would never do anything on purpose to hurt her. I feel horrible but I’m just so scared what I might do to myself tonight….Its really scary cause right after I got in bed I kept having these crazy images of me stabbing myself in the hip over and over even though I know I never could do that because my weird fear of knifes…..
Love,
A friend








January 9th, 2011
Dear Sydney,
            (The first part of this message was somehow lost)
            I didn’t know about anything about anorexia until True Colors, when you told me to eat or I might become anorexic. Later you explained you were concerned because you used to be. You weighed in the 80-95 lb range. Now you’re better, but I could never tell you that you’re my inspiration, you’d probably relapse and I’d never EVER want to do something that horrible to someone so strong and amazing. I’m so sorry Sydney. I didn’t help you; I just hurt myself from your problems. You were raped; I convinced myself what happened to me was the same. You were anorexic; I found your slimness amazing and wanted it. You have an amazing supportive boyfriend; I have no one. As a result there are razor scratches down my hip. None that will stay as scars…as much as I wish it would. I want a reminder. I want a boy to see me someday, I want Taylor to see me someday and ask why. To ask why and really want to know. I want to tell him about my anorexia, my love for him, my nights up crying for no exact reason, my craving for pain….I want to tell him it’s his fault. I just want him to care. You’re my idol Syd. I look up to you like I never have to anyone else. That’s why I can never tell you, unless you directly ask. Earlier I had a thought that this summer someone will yell at me for wanting attention when I have to swim for my camp. I just thought to myself “really? Only 2 people have ever known and I did it in a place exclusively private and invisible….and you call that wanting attention?” but I’m scared their going to be right. I want you to know so you’ll care, yet I dispose pity with every fiber of my being. Why can’t I even understand my own mind?! I want to feel relief in my pain. I mostly do. I want to be able to glide the razor over my leg or hip and let the blood pour out all at once, not just small quick scratches to one place, like I only know how to do so far. I want to become skilled with my razor. I want more pain, quicker. Why am I so sick already?!
Love,
A friend








January 12th, 2011
Dear Sydney,
            I’m so sorry…the message for today got lost…and it was one of the most important ones L
Love,
A friend
















January 20th, 2011
Dear Sydney,
            I hate Microsoft word. I just had a ton typed up for today, and then it deleted it. Anyway, the message from the 12th was one of the most important messages. It told how I had tried to throw up twice unsuccessfully, and about my feeling to Lee and Taylor some more. But things have already changed a lot since then. I’ve succeeded, 4 times now. More cuts, less food, more puking, more loneliness. I finally told Lee my secrets, except for about Taylor. Lee talked to me all night until I fell asleep, then until school started the next day….but now he won’t talk to me at all. He has no idea how much I miss him, miss the late night calls for hours, his warm hugs. Why does he have to live a state down? Why did true colors make me meet him & fall in love? I don’t know what to think anymore. I love Lee sooo much, yet it’s a stab to my heart every time I see Taylor and Sammy. It hurts, because Taylor plays around with me too, he flirts with everyone; EVERYONE, which is why everyone falls for him. It’s been three years….damn. I miss Lee. So so much. I just don’t know what to think; every time Taylor flirts with me my heart skips up into my throat. I keep thinking of creative ways to drown myself; to smash my head into something; to ‘slip’ the razor ‘by accident’. Creative ways to kill myself. The other day I posted a secret on six-billion about how I probably couldn’t kill myself because I just want someone to just ask me to dance, just once, before I die. I want to know what it’s like to slow dance with someone, before I’m gone. You told me that guys ask you to dances to make out with you or get a little action….you said it sucks, but at least some guys think your hot/cute/pretty enough to ask to dance. I’m not ugly. I KNOW that, but no one else does. At least they care enough to ask you to dance. Sometimes I really do just want to die to get away from all this drama. I burnt myself with salt & ice yesterday; honestly I have a feeling I will again. It stings a little bit, and then leaves, well, not really a welt, but it puffs up. I like it, it stings like a cut, but the pain goes away quicker. Of course though, I will keep cutting. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Sydney.
Love,
A friend








6. My poem
Sure, I'll wait


http://inkpop.com/projects/94845/sure-i-ll-wait-/read-project/#chapter




"You’re in pain" you say.
I denied it.
I was crying.
"Family issues." I say.
I lie.
Sorry.
I have set my standards too high, because of my daydreams,
Fantasies and what I read/watch on TV.
But then
You came;
It was like magic.
It’s like you know what a prince charming is, and you decided to be him.


Then you met her.
You started dating.
I supported you as much as I could.
I gave as good of advice as I could.


Then you broke up, and then
I told her.
She said it was okay.
I didn’t believe her then,
I mostly do now.


It seemed like you were going to get back together.
I got angry and forgot to say bye to you.
I wonder what would be different if I had,
Because now
You don’t say bye anymore,
I miss it.
It made me happy.


You don’t know how much I long
For that one perfect moment;
When you finally chose to sit by me,
We talk,
And I finally get to kiss you.


I shiver in fear it will never happen
Because of my school change next year.
That I will never get my chance,
All because I had horrible timing to tell you.
Now SHE likes you,
And you’re hanging out.
Where does that leave me?


Last time that happened,
You ended up dating her.
Now it’s a different one.
One that knows my secrets.
One that I thought I could trust.
One I feel like is betraying me.
What do I do if you start dating her?


I’m not sure how much I’m capable of handling.


Family has its portion of problems,
Dealing with watching people wreck their lives is another,
Then there’s you;
Trying to get you to just pay attention to me
Just 1 measly minute of your day.


I dyed my hair;
You didn’t like it unnatural.
I’m trying to smile more;
You thought I was too "emo".
I stopped drawing on myself;
You didn’t like it.


You don’t know how much
I love just small acknowledgment;
A little eye contact,
Taking my phone,
Simply bothering to reply to a text.


You don’t know how much simply
Saying "bye" to me meant.
You don’t know how much
I like your weird jokes,
Your awkward winky faces...
You don’t know how weird my stomach acts
When I think about you,
How many tears my pillow holds
Because of you-
Happy and sad.


Where do I fit into your amazing life?
But sure, I’ll wait.






^^^I dont like him anymore, btw
I didnt wait :)